FireBrandt (Kean Bean ;p)'s journal

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Tuesday - 8.28.07
18:25 - Resolutions...written in July but posted now =p

2007 New Years (Mid-year/ three-quarter year) Resolutions?

1. Do well in grad school (more than grades: read more articles, participate more)- I really want to make the most of my time here, and do well. I’d like to be a sharp student who is known for being quick on his feet and knowledgable, with a knack for synthesizing and analyzing information. So that means reading more articles in my subject area of depression, exploring different research paths, taking a wider range of graduate courses so that I can become more of an interdisciplinary/renaissance psychologist and pull findings together from different areas. Also, it means not procrastinating as much on the work I need to do, writing up my IRB application promptly and assembling a research team and my research materials so that I can get my study running quickly, and generally taking more time and consideration in working on my papers, rather than leaving them until the last couple days before they’re due to write them up. I need to be more focused academically. I want to read a fair portion of the articles for class and be able to take away lessons from them to integrate with either my research or clinical skills.

2. Really get my research rolling (finish protocol/put together strong project/ train RAs) - As I alluded to above, I need to finish my IRB application first of all. I’ve got a research coordinator in mind, and with them, we can really get my master’s thesis rolling. I’ve finished the protocol, and defended it successfully (rather well, actually) so that’s good to go. I’m eager to get this project started and the ball rolling. I feel that inertia is really at play here; it’s so hard getting things started, but once it’s going it should be perfectly smooth and fine. I need to recruit roughly 120 subjects too, so it’ll be some hard work…but I think it can be done. Just gotta buckle down eventually.

3. Explore the dating scene (unless I find someone who really draws my attention) -
Hahahaha…with the exception of brief (3 months or less) interludes in my life where I’ve been lucky enough to have someone, I’ve been single for most of my life. I think only recently, after having been hurt and realizing I’ve needed to take some time for myself, have I actually come to accept and embrace being single. And coming off that, I might as well date people just to get to know them. I’d like to meet different, interesting people, particularly since I live in such a large city like Los Angeles, and just hang around and have a good time, without having to worry about whether things will be able to develop fully into a relationship. After all, isn’t this what young adulthood is all about? Exploring the dating scene, meeting people, finding out what’s important to you in other people? Might as well embrace it and enjoy it, rather than worry my arse off like before. Of course, if I do meet someone amazing, then I certainly won’t leave it out of the question to consider pursuing them. They’ll just have to be that worth it though. =p

4. Improve my dancing skills (just for kicks) - Hahahaha this is inspired from my time with VSA hip hop and the CASA Cultural show glowsticking demon crew. Hahahaha I’d like to learn to dance better, particularly with popping, liquid, and tutting. General hip hop dancing skills would be nice too. I am very tempted to join C3, USC’s hip hop dance team, who are all pretty freaking badarse. And I’ve heard that I would likely make the team with the dance skills I have, so I could use C3 as a platform to grow and improve myself. It would be a fun little side project.

5. Gain a lot of experience and knowledge from practicum. - This resolution is already half completed, considering I just finished my first term of actual practicum, working at an Alzheimer’s/Dementia research clinic giving neuropsych assessments. The experiences I’ve had through the clinic have been amazing and extremely interesting and informative. I’ve enjoyed my time there and really tried to take advantage of the supervision I was receiving as another method to grow and improve as a clinician and student of psychology. Next up is the advanced practicum in clinical psychology, for older adults. Essentially I’ll be doing therapy with older adults. It should be rather interesting and I’m looking to how things will go as I began my training as a clinician. *dun dun dunnnn* Hopefully I can hone my clinical skills quickly since I’ll be conducting therapy alone, sans co-therapist unlike most of my classmates (who are in the child/family practicum).

6. Sharpen my languages (ie Canto/Mando/Spanish, maybe add in some viet) - This mostly involves me using these languages more often, but it would definitely be good to actually re-study some of my old Chinese textbooks and try to reacquire some of vocabulary and reading/writing skills I’ve lost in the two years since I last took a Chinese course. Hopefully I can practice some of the oral skills and speak with others…I’m guessing that won’t be likely though. Maybe re-read some Spanish stuff too, and at least revive some basic use of the language. Hahahah right now my Spanish is extremely ghetto and limited. Whoops. Barely even remember how to conjugate regular verbs. =p

7. Exercise/weight train on a regular basis - This’ll probably be the most difficult resolution because of the sheer amount of time my other resolutions involve. I’d like to play lacrosse regularly as a form of exercise but the feasibility of that is limited. Running regularly would be a nice start, so that hopefully I can get back into the 6-minte mile form I used to be at the end of fall. Weight training would be really good so I can put muscle back on again and try to hit 145 or even 150. We’ll see if I can’t find a way to consider weight training as my release and use it as a method to relax. Lax still fits the bill best as my method of cooling off and thinking though. Hopefully I can play fall ball again with the club team as that was amazing and heaps of fun.

8. Maintain my Hsuistic perspective on life and continue to help others - I definitely would like to continue helping others how I can, whenever I can. The question really becomes whether I should focus more on those I’m treating in therapy or my friends, with this Hsuistic perspective. While I’d like to think I’m capable of both, the question really is whether I’d have enough energy and time to devote to both. Granted, therapy being part of my practicum and part of my academic experience, I’m going to likely prioritize my clients, but I don’t want to shortchange my friends at all. Oi. This is going to be a bit insane in terms of work. I guess I’ll have to rely on an opportunistic Hsuistic methodology and do what I can whenever I get a chance to.

9. Explore LA with someone(s?) – LA is a *huge* city. There are so many different things to do out there. I’d like to explore the different sights and sounds of the area, including orange county, and see what sorta beauty LA has. Beaches are prime targets, as well as nice shopping areas and promenades. I’ve done a fair job already by exploring Little Tokyo and Santa Monica, but there is soooo much more out there to be seen. Restaurants are also something I’d really like to explore too, considering there are so many different types of people out there and consequently a wide variety of different cuisines. So time to explore. :D


Past-resolution evaluation:

Since I never got a chance to write resolutions for 2006, I thought I’d evaluate my adherence to the 2005 resolutions over the past two years. So without further ado, here we go =p

2005 New Years (almost) Resolutions

1. Kick arse in school. – Ehhh I did ok…not wonderful. I didn’t fail but I did get two of my lowest GPAs out of all of college, so rather disappointing actually, especially when considering what sort of implications this had for my cumulative GPA. Bloody freaking hell. One was because of stupid freaking Immunobio, where the class was essentially uncurved even though it was a graduate level course and the average was a B- (which thankfully I got, at least). I heard only two undergrads had As in the course. Wtf. Beeyootttch. And I should have gotten a better grade in Psych Research methods. Basically submitted a slightly late paper screwed me over…I should have been like everyone else and gotten a Dean’s excuse and not gotten penalized. Fawk that. At least my last semester at Yale and first semester at USC went well academically, kicking some major arse. 2005=not so good…2006=pretty baller. Wheee :D

2. Stop falling asleep in class. – Ummm yeah, that failed miserably. There was at least one class per semester (except for my last one at Yale and this past fall here at USC) where I fell asleep almost every single class. Whoops. Guess they weren’t too good at keeping me entertained, or I was just that tired all the time. Probably the latter, on reflection. Again 2005 failed miserably while 2006 turned out well. Hrmmm…

3. Get major amounts of research done. – Eh. Not so good either. I got some research done but recruiting subjects was impossible, meaning I couldn’t get much data at all. Blargh. I feel bad about that failure still. Disappointing to say the least. I did get lots of experience though, and was active within the clinic. Here is sorta the reverse trend…I got more done in 2005 than in 2006. Doh.

4. Get back into shape for lax. – I’ve been in shape for lacrosse every season we’ve practiced/played, so that’s a check. This past fall season has actually been one of the most in shape times I’ve ever been. Hell, I was actually able to run about a 6-minute mile fairly consistently. SWEET. =p

5. Score an average of 2 points per lax game. – Ummmm, not as much. I’ve been improving somewhat, at least putting up some points each season, but never putting up a consistent production. I think I just need to play more often so that I can get more comfortable within the offensive flow. This past year during fall season I was able to do pretty well and get points almost every scrimmage we ran, usually playing well.

6. Maintain significant involvement with the groups i'm in. – Definitely check. I worked myself to the freaking bone for all the groups I was in and was one of the most active members and definitely one of the only seniors to keep that active with all the organizations I was involved in. If anything, I stepped up even more senior year, serving as captain of club lacrosse and as an ethnic counselor. I guess the only slight exception would be society, where I wasn’t able to devote as much time as I really wished. 

7. Cook well and for others. – Hahahahaha define well I guess? I cooked some, especially during summers, and we did throw potlucks so other people did eat my cooking. Some progress, but not much made during these past two years. My highlights of cooking include pasta and chicken for the granddaughter and some quality chicken and mushrooms made with Ms. Li. =p

8. Follow Hsuism like it's my JOB. – Definitely check on this one. I’ve been keeping close to the philosophy and definitely trying to help as many people in my life as possible. Serving as EC gave me an excellent venue to follow this. Serving as a crazy and involved senior also allowed me the opportunity to mentor a number of different people, which I truly valued. I’m glad I’ve been able to help out with what I can of late and play at least some part in people’s lives.

9. Get into a relationship and stick to my oath. - Ohhhh man. This definitely happened…twice. But both ended not so wonderfully. Argh. The first instance was wonderful and I really enjoyed being with her and getting to know her, but it puttered out on her end and things sorta crashed and burned from there. At least I stuck to my oath and tried my hardest to make her happy. The second instance, I stuck to my oath too and just enjoyed my time with her. It was a lot harder though because I was a still hurt over the first girl. As to why I got in a relationship with a second girl while I still was hurt/had feelings for the first girl, it wasn’t a smart decision on my part. I should have just left things to myself. I guess I was hoping that dating the second girl would help me move on from the first girl. It doesn’t help at all that there was no hope anymore for the first girl. That kinda kills any potential for trying to stick around. 


And of course, the quasi-resolution list:

Stop overanalyzing things.

Hahahahaha nope, definitely didn’t stop this. Failed miserably. Whoops. =p

Stop worrying so bloody much about finding a girl.

Never thought I would be able to pull this off, but definitely was able to… because the first girl crushed my heart into little pieces such that it just bled over into everything after. Definitely affected the second relationship and just left me feeling empty and like I needed to take time off from relationships and not put myself on the line for a while. So I made a decision not to get involved in a relationship for a long while, and not think about trying to get into one, and have stuck with that for a while. It’s taken up until this year, but I can at least say I’m feeling ok to move on, even if I still don’t things have been fully resolved. Maybe one day?

Stop staying up so late every night.

Hahahaha soooo…I dunno about this one. During my time at Yale and even this first semester at USC I’ve been majorly slacking on this one, and have stayed up until ridiculous hours on many an occasion. However, this past semester I’ve been really good about going to bed and getting a fair amount of sleep, mostly so that I don’t fall asleep at placement. At least now, I’m getting a regular amount of sleep, for the most part, and am generally feeling more alert and on top of things. =p

Get more muscles for lax.

Was pretty good about this one surprisingly, hitting about 145 at one point in time. However, without opportunities to work out of late, I’ve dropped back down to about 135-138. Damn. Gotta start lifting and eating more again, when I can, get more muscle back on me. At least I’ve retained some of the muscle I gained while trying to get bigger for lax.

Find a girl...

Done…but that didn’t work out so well. In either case. =\

Stop disenchanting all the girls I meet.

Hahahaha for once, this hasn’t haunted me. Thankfully. I did have some fan club members here and there so not everyone was so disenchanted with me. Then again, most of these girls were younger, so maybe they just liked the older guy thing. Who knows. Whatever =p. At least some part of me knows that I might not be so cursed…hahaahah then again, maybe that part of me isn’t actually me at all, but rather a friend who tries valiantly to reiterate that to me. =p

current mood: busy

(2 Yaaaa you dos   THIS person....wants to make a reply...)

Tuesday - 1.23.07
19:06 - Pulled from "There Are Some Things Guys Should Always Do For Girls. Period." Facebook Group
1. Open doors when possible - whether it be to a building or the passenger car door. the classic example that's stood the test of time.

2. When in a place of worship (or other places that have aisles and pews), if a man is at the end of the pew, when exiting he should stand in the aisle and let all the females go before him. (This seems odd to some people, yet normal for others. If you don't get it, don't worry about it, okay?)

3. A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick, musical, opera, or ballet - whatever her preference is - *without* complaining about it! (Because the guy may just like it.)

4. Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way). A brief list includes, but certainly isn't limited, to:
"You & Me" by Lifehouse
Anything by Frank Sinatra
Any rendition of "Everything I Do, I Do it for You"
"Collide" by Howie Day
"Out Of My League" by Steven Speaks
And MOST IMPORTANTLY "Question" by the Old 97's (if you propose to a girl with this song, she is putty in your hands).
("Putty in your hands" is not meant to promote "using women" in any way. This group does not encourage guys to be polite in order to get her into bed.)

5. Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast.

6. Find out what her favorite flower is and buy them for her randomly (regardless of the situation you might be in). A simple yet profound truth: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else. (I encourage the women to not allow a guy to "prove himself worthy" through gifts and flowers and such. Trust is a precious thing and it should take a good chunk of time before he gains it back in your heart.)

7. If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again.

8. Re-enact Zales commercials (the ice is nice but certainly not mandatory).

9. Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually free of cost.

10. Leave a note (or send a message) just to say "hi".

11. Ask her questions about herself.

12. Dress nice every once & a while. Any girl likes to see her brother/friend/boyfriend/e
tc. in a well-ironed button-up with some nice slacks.

13. PRIDE & PREJUDICE ...that's all I have to say about that (I mean, that should speak for itself). (It's even more impressive if he has read the book.)

14. Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They're children, after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you. (You were once extremely irritating. Get over the obnoxious kids and enjoy getting down to their level - not "for her", but for the good of yourself and others.)

15. Learn to dance! There is nothing sexier than a man who can dance really well. If God did not bless you with the grace of Fred Astaire, at least put forth the effort, it will be greatly appreciated. Always slow dance (even if it's just like you danced in middle school). Also, men, sing to a lady. Even if you're terrible, suck it up! They love to listen to it and will not care what you sound like. It's the thought that counts on this one. Unless you're just downright terrible, nothing sexy about that. Haha, thanks, Jade!

16. Kiss her on the forehead.

17. When she's sick, stay up with her. If you can cook (which is *always* a plus), make her some soup. If you can't cook, there's Campbell's soup at hand for you.

18. Pretend to throw her in the pool (or fountain/pond). If you really do throw her in, you'd better jump in yourself. **NOTE** There are some women who just hate this apparently, so you had better do two things: 1) Never allow your buddies be a part of it if you're unsure of how she feels about getting thrown in and 2) You had better know how she feels about it!

19. Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it's the small things that win you big points).


21. Stupid jokes = awkwardly adorable moments.

22. Tickle her, tease her, let her tease you back without getting all bent out of shape about it.

23. Don't call her hot, or pretty, or cute; call her beautiful, because that's what she is. (I don't think cute is that bad, but definitely stay away from "hot" [it's so overused and superficial] and step "pretty" up to beautiful or gorgeous or stunning or captivating or...)

24. Offer her your jacket/sweatshirt. (Note: you may not see that particular item of clothing for a while, if ever again).

25. Don't be too proud to apologize.

26. It's not stalking to watch her sleep if you fall asleep watching a movie. It is stalking to watch her sleep if you're standing outside her window with night vision goggles.

27. When she feels at her worst, tell her she looks her best.

28. If you're trying to get more than friendship out of the relationship, take it slow and never rush her.

29. Just because you're a guy doesn't mean you are completely incapable of calling when you say you will, it just means you are highly incapable of it. There are few acceptable answers to, "Why didn't you call?", & being male is not one of them.

30. Don't check out other girls in front of your female friends/sisters/mother, unless you are sincere when you later ask them if you think she could introduce the two of you for more reasons than you "want to get some". Pull this in front of your girlfriend/fiancee/wife, she has every right to clock you in the jaw.

31. Guys - always offer to pay for the date. No matter how expensive it gets, especially if YOU asked HER on the date. [if she is willing to pay now and again, don't let your "man pride" get in the way of her wanting to give back to you. she should understand money can be tight - especially when you're always buying]

32. Always do everything in your power to keep her as happy as you can. And cheer her up in any way possible. [if she isn't always happy - and i've never met a girl who is - don't be afraid of her and don't be stupid and always, unquestioningly, blame it on PMS. be there WITH her when times are tough and she wants you there.]

33. When walking on the sidewalk, always walk on the outside near traffic. (So everyone has a different opinion for how this started. For some, it's because of the human waste that was getting thrown out the windows when this was happening a century ago. The woman walked under the overhangings extending from the buildings with the guy in the open to take the mess if need be. Others say it's from the guy's scabbard/sword being on his left with the woman walking on the right. As for today, it's the traffic and puddles and what-not. Whatever it is. It's just a courtesy thing, if it seems necessary.)

34. At least do everything in your power to keep cursing to a minimum while around her. If you can, cut it out period while around her, or cut it out of your vocabulary. Women don't want to hear it, guys don't care about it, adults don't want to hear it, it doesn't impress employers, and you sure won't want your children or someone else's to hear it!

35. Sometimes you have to take the initiative. Don't always wait for her to come to you, because if that's how it always is, you're going to lose her.

36. If any lady is walking alone to her car in a dark parking lot/garage, or is carrying a heavy load, always offer to help walk her to her destination and carry things, if not the entire load. **This may work a lot better and come off non-stalkerish if you at least know the girl you're trying to help. Haha thanks to a LOT of people on this revision.**

37. If a woman says no, let that be her final answer with maybe one question of confirmation after her first answer. Do not pressure or force her in any way after that. Don't make her give in to something she doesn't want to do.

38. Always be honest with her. No woman wants or likes a dishonest man. If you can't be honest with her, she can't trust you, and shows you don't trust her enough to be honest. Trust, honesty and integrity are just as an integral part of a relationship and just as important as love.

39. A man should always genuinely listen to women; no matter how bored or busy the man is. Actively listening to the woman will keep him from pain (and bring the man and woman closer together). This works best, of course, when both the man and the woman actively and equally engage in conversation (this includes listening). For the ladies reading this, please talk - always talk - especially if you are having problems with the relationship and to also avoid making bigger problems.

...I used to do all that.
I still do most of the list, but how the mighty have fallen...
Can it be that my cynicism and bitterness is winning out over my chivalrousness and hopeless romanticness?

current mood: contemplative

(2 Yaaaa you dos   THIS person....wants to make a reply...)

Thursday - 1.18.07
3:33 - Amazingly appropriate lyrics, all things considered =p
" I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine..."
-23, Jimmy Eat World

One of my favorite songs definitely seems to hit a little close to home this time around. Too bad it's old hat.
Still formulating that list of's on its way.

current mood: pensive

( THIS person....wants to make a reply...)

Monday - 1.8.07
14:03 - Surveys for the new year =p
In 2006, you:
{X} broke a promise (I’m sure I have, although usually it’s to call =p)
{X} made a new best friend (ish?...had to make new friends in Cali but I’m not sure if they’re quite at “best friend” level)
{ } fell in love (while my feelings might almost be that strong for her, I’m hesitant to label it love)
{ } fell out of love
{X} did something you swore never to do (get blackout drunk…it was fun at least, had good company =p)
{ } stole (the show…j/k =p)
{X} went behind your parents back (a little bit?)
{X} dissapointed someone close (probably)
{X} hidden a secret (of course…)
{X} pretended to be happy (less this year than before, but still definitely)
{ } got arrested (lol not that much of a trouble maker =p)
{ } kissed in the rain (sounds great and all, but no…any volunteers to change that this year? =p j/k j/k)
{ } slept under the stars (maybe some day soon)
{ } had a birthday that sucked (perhaps the best birthday in my college years? Nice hanging around with everyone, and the party the next day was pretty schweet too =p)
{X} kept your new years resolutions (didn’t have any resolutions this past year, maybe that’s why everything was such a shitshow…)
{ } forgot your new years resolutions (nothing to forget =p)
{ } met someone who changed your life (hard to say if anything ever changes your life especially within the context of the past year; perhaps we’ll see?)
{X} met one of your idols (Davison, my grad school advisor, is an academic beast)
{ } changed your outlook on life (while Hsuism still reigns and I’m still doing the whole clinical psych Ph.D. to become a prof thing, I have been fluctuating in terms of certainty about this route and whether I want to do an M.D. as well...)
{X} sat home all day doing nothing (sounds like the weekends at grad school for me)
{ } pretended to be sick (nope)
{X} loved him/her knowing they didn't love you back (I loved her not knowing how she felt about me)
{X} left the country (The Dominican Republic, China (Beijing and Shanghai), and HK)
{ } almost died (thankfully not)
{X} given up something important to you (while not by choice, I was forced to give up my Yale life in exchange for grad school)
{X} lost something expensive (maybe? I’m still searching for my Sansa MP3 player)
{X} learned something new about yourself (maybe my heart isn’t doomed to multi-crush for eternity…)
{ } tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it. (not really sure)
{X} made a change in your life (moving out to LA and starting grad school would count right?)
{ } found out who your true friends were (got a lot closer to some friends though)
{X} made a total fool of yourself (par for the course =p)
{X} met great people (APDCYSYP06 and the clinical psych program at USC are great crews)
{ } got addicted to facebook (was already an addict =p)
{X} thought he/she was the love of your life (although “of my life” is kinda intense)
{ } got in a car accident (despite LA’s crazy traffic and the massive amounts of snow and ice in CO, no thankfully)
{ } fell in love with a teacher at school (nopers)
{ } broke a bone (nope, sprained my knee instead =p)
{ } went to the ER or you were admitted to the hospital (thankfully not)
{X} nearly died of laughter (hahaha I’ve had some good times this year, Harvard Yale comes to memory most readily)
{ } gave up on love (for her, I refuse to give up just yet, however silly that may be)

2006 Survey (stolen from a 2003/2004/2005 survey of old)
What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Got blackout drunk…whoops. Damn tequila =p
Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Since I had no resolutions, I couldn’t keep them, but I definitely will make more for this next year
Did anyone close to you give birth? Well one of my cousin’s wives gave birth but we’re not super close
Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully no
What countries did you visit? HK, China, DR
What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A relationship with her, quality research production, a nice crew to chill with in LA, and more contact and visits with old friends
What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 22nd, 2006 – Graduation from Yale… *dun dun dunnnnn*
What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting into graduate school at USC
What was your biggest failure? Not getting into graduate school at CU Boulder or letting down some friends and unintentionally misleading others
Did you suffer illness or injury? Sprained MCL kept me from playing football or lax =|
What was the best thing you bought? Either the V3i or the Sansa e260…both pretty sweet gadgets :D
Where did most of your money go? Friends, food, travel
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Getting into graduate school, seeing her =p
What song will always remind you of 2006? Goodbye my lover by James Blunt is definitely the song of 2006
Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Sadder for sure; graduate school just doesn’t compare to the family and comfort of Yale
Older or wiser? Lol always older, perhaps wiser
Thinner or fatter? Lol not fatter but gained a little bit of muscle at least
Richer or poorer? Richer in that I’m getting stipends for grad school, poorer in that I’m basically living on my own and trying not to rely on my parents for support
What do you wish you'd done more of? Play lax, see her, done research, hang out with friends, visit people
What do you wish you'd done less of? Always sleeping through class, procrastinating (inevitably =p)
How will you be spending Christmas? This next year? Or last year? This year I was in Beijing with the fam and relatives, shopping and chilling with the brother, next year we’ll see…
Did you fall in love in 2006? As I mentioned before, falling in love might be a bit strong to describe what happened, but close enough?
How many one-night stands? Errr…
What was your favorite TV program? Heroes, Robot Chicken, Family Guy
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nah, I try to avoid partaking in the Haterade =p
What was the best book you read? I reread some really good books…The Lovely Bones and Five People You Meet in Heaven are two books that come to my mind
What was your greatest musical discovery? Angels and Airwaves helped fill the void that the broken up Blink 182 left
What did you want and get? Graduate school, some lax at USC, a cuddle buddy, to see friends after college
What did you want and not get? More lax, honors (sooo freaking close…stupid arse Immunobio and Behvneur), her
What was your favorite film of this year? The Descent (guess who I saw it with? =p), Love Actually and My Sassy Girl are always favorite movies
that I saw for the first time this year? The Descent
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Man, I was an old age of 22. =p My birthday was awesome cause my friends had a surprise get-together in the FroCo suite so all my friends and a good number of frosh showed up. It was nice seeing everyone and being able to celebrate the day together. =) Hahahhah the next day I got completely wasted…whoops. =p
What was one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Her. More lacrosse wouldn’t have hurt either.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Collared shirtness. =p Whether it was wearing a nice shirt for work in the clinic, or trying to look semi-respectable for grad school and meetings, or going out to clubs, collared shirts ruled this year. =p
What kept you sane? Friends, lax, and music, as always.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Kate Beckinsale is ridiculously hot as usual.
What political issue stirred you the most? Loss of personal freedoms and immigration.
Who did you miss? Her. My Yalies a lot. Friends back home too. The family also. Out here in Cali I miss a lot of people.
Who was the best new person you met? The pod is pretty freaking awesome, as is the rest of the clinical program here at USC. =)
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Avoid hitting the alcohol too hard. =p Or I don’t know as much about others as I thought I did.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”
-Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

current mood: blah

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Tuesday - 1.2.07
1:39 - Surveyrific! =p
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||| 43%
Stability |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Orderliness |||||||||| 40%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Interdependence |||||||||| 36%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Mystical |||||| 30%
Artistic || 10%
Religious |||||| 23%
Hedonism |||||| 30%
Materialism |||||||||||| 50%
Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56%
Adventurousness |||||||||| 36%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 43%
Self absorbed || 10%
Conflict seeking || 10%
Need to dominate |||||| 30%
Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Avoidant |||||| 30%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56%
Wealth |||||||||||||||| 63%
Dependency |||||| 30%
Change averse |||||||||| 36%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Individuality |||||| 30%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 63%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 43%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||||||| 84%
Histrionic |||| 16%
Paranoia || 10%
Vanity |||||||||||| 43%
Hypersensitivity || 10%
Female cliche |||||| 23%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting,positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic optimistic,

Note: Bolded results indicate agreement, italics disagreement =p

Updates coming your way:
New Years Resolutions
Resolution Evaluation from the past =p
Life Update

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Sunday - 12.10.06
0:32 - 5 questions
Meme from Justin. He gave me five questions that I'm answering here. If you want to continue the meme just let me know and I'll ask you 5 questions of my own. Hope all is well folks. Be well and take care. =p

1. What is the best thing about Los Angeles? The worst?
The best thing about LA would either have to be the abundance of good food, or the consistently nice weather; it makes it way easier to go outside and play lacrosse whenever I feel like. The worst would probably have to be the loneliness on weekends; I'm still adjusting to a completely new life in a city where I don't really know anyone. Unfortunately our program is really small, meaning my opportunities to meet new people are pretty limited. I've made a few friends but no one I consistently chill with on weekends. I do sometimes chill with an old best friend from high school at least, but those are usually few and far between.

2. When did you become interested in psychology? Did RMTS play a role?
Hahahaha actually I think that RMTS psychology class is what really got me started down the path of psychology. I had a lot of fun with that class learning the different material and thought it intriguing. Interestingly enough I didn't really pursue any major psych study in high school (we had IB Psychology and I opted for chemistry) but I knew coming into college that psych was my field of interest. While RMTS introduced the subject to me, my real interest and devotion to the field developed when I realized that it was probably the area I was best suited for and had the best chance of me making a contribution back to society. I like working with/talking with people and the increased emphasis on a hypothetical-deductive model of research appealed to me, especially with the growth of the neuroscience fields. I find the studies fascinating and always enjoy learning more about the human mind and human behavior; we're such interesting creatures after all. =p

3. Who are bigger snobs - Yale or USC students?
Hahahaha I'd have to say USC. While Yale has its share of uppity kids who think they should be served everything on a silver platter, a lot of kids are really down to earth, humble, and chill. A lot of people I met were really laid back and most of us voiced the notion that we were an admissions mistake and somehow got into the school despite their rigorous system of admissions...that's like the underlying sentiment of a lot of Yalies, especially frosh. =p USC students are often very much like the second moniker for the school, "University of Spoiled Children." So many kids are spoiled and think they are the shit. Granted, not everyone is snobbish, but it seems like a greater proportion of kids are. It's not horrifically snobby but it just seems that there's a stronger element of snobbishness in the atmosphere.

4. Is there a book every person should be required to read in high school or college? What is it?
Most of the books I can think of are off the favorites list and don't really qualify as something very meaningful/important. Perhaps the only book that might be a good start is Ethics for a New Millenium by the Dalai Lama. I've enjoyed reading that book so far, and in today's world I feel like we need to work on the whole morality bit a little bit, be a little kinder to people and whatnot. I know it's not necessarily a brilliant text, but I can't think of another book that I'd require everyone to read. I haven't read Starship Troopers recently enough to comment on whether that would be an illuminating book to read.

5. What is a goal you are working toward?
Hahaha the major goal right now is acquiring my Ph.D...That's the goal immediate life goal in front of me. Aside from that I'm working on trying to get in a relationship with this girl back home but I'm not sure if it's being sensible or not. There's always the goal of improving my game in lacrosse so that's nothing spectacular or outstanding. The overarching goal I'm still working on and continue to pursue is helping out as many people as I can, however I can. That's the thing that's driving me to do most of the things I do, except for the few indulgences like the relationship attempt and lacrosse.

current mood: peaceful

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Wednesday - 12.6.06
0:41 - Taco Bell = Comfort Food?
It's interesting how the most random things jump out to you and carry a long forgotten significance with it. For me, it was the sudden flood of memories of being a kid, going to the mall (Southglenn, RIP) on Saturdays with my Mom and brother, eating in the small Taco Bell in the back corner near the JC Penny's in the middle of our weekend routine. I just finished up my last paper for the semester and needed to go out and grab some quick food since I felt in no mood to cook and decided to wing it on selection. Somehow, driving down Figueroa Taco Bell called to me and I stopped in. While I wasn't thinking it at the time, perhaps some part of me was craving that sense of safety and comfort in this still-foreign city, where I forge an isolated path towards my future, my destiny? As I continue feasting away on simple tacos and chicken soft tacos, the all-too-familiar odor and aroma of Taco Bell still carry images of family and feelings of content and provides a very welcome warmth and happiness at this (relatively) early hour of the night.

The hardest part of growing up is watching the ones you love grow old around you. The simple days of youth have been replaced by the sensation of a single-minded, relentless march of time towards the end of our own existence as we hurriedly try to fit in every little dream we can.

current mood: nostalgic

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Sunday - 12.3.06

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Tuesday - 2.28.06
5:26 - Cross-post for your reading enjoyment ;p
Rules of the Game:

Tagged victim must come up w/ 10 different points of his/her "perfect lover."
Specify gender of target.
Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment to notify of tag.
If tagged again, no need to post a 2nd time.
The Perfect One (Female): (not necessarily in order of importance)

1. Compassionate. I'd like someone who cares as much about others as they do for the people they love. To have a giving heart and a mind that seeks out ways to improve the lives of others would be great.

2. Understanding. I'm a crazy (or at least silly ;p) kid. Hopefully they will be cool with that, and accept me for all my dorkiness. Being able to put up with me can be a lot of work ;p. I like being a dork, it's fun. =p

3. Down to earth. I'd like someone i can chill with, randomly banter around with. Even if they are an amazing and accomplished person (which i hope), they'll be totally laid back and grounded.

4. Intelligent. I'd like someone who i can explore topics with, discussing any issues on our minds. They don't need to be brilliant or anything, but have at least some semblance of intellect. Then again honestly i don't care as much how smart they are but in a perfect world, my perfect lover would be intelligent.

5. Beautiful. This mainly comes down to a girl's smile. If you've got an amazing and wonderful smile that melts people's hearts, i'm done in for. Not necessarily hot, although i certainly wouldn't complain if they were, but classically beautiful. Like Kate Beckinsale. Damn.

6. Likes cheese. No i don't mean someone who has a fine appreciation for sharp cheddar...but someone who likes the guy being a sappy hopeless romantic type and is happy to have a gentleman treat her around and give her the respect she deserves.

7. Passionate. Someone who really cares about the things they do, whatever they are. It can be small things that really fire them up, but she should be a girl who is really into what she does and always does it 100%.

8. Fun/spontaneous. Someone who I can enjoy being around and has random fun ideas of what to do. Someone I could spend an afternoon with absolutely nothing planned and yet have it be a highly entertaining time. It might be a stargazing by the beach, or people watching at a park, but they should be fun to be around.

9. Likes children. I'm not saying i'm going to have a bunch. But i like gals who enjoy playing with little kids and find simple pleasure in being in the company of such innocence and unbridled happiness. Little kids are free of the burden of knowledge and as such, can enjoy almost anything. I'd hope that she would like that too.

10. Not be imaginary. =p

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Monday - 2.20.06
15:13 - My thoughts of late...
So this is my first entry into LJ for the longest time. I had various reasons for not writing before, but most consisted of lacking any semblance of time to sit down and record my thoughts and feelings about things of late. But being stuck on a train for hours on end certainly has forced me in this direction of work, to perhaps churn out my thoughts into a written form to finally be recorded. What else has spawned this entry? Anxiety. About the future, about my life, about my potential. It's been an interesting week.

The very fact that I've made it this far and been successful for the most part is quite distinctly a testament to my luck more than anything, no matter how much other people might suggest. I know that things have broken my way more than a normal number of times and for that I've been thankful. I know I've been lucky and living a life like in the movies, ideal and surreal. Of course, things had to come crashing down some time or another, and I suppose now, at the major crossroads of my life, is a better time than any.

Not getting into UCLA, my top choice for graduate school, as well as not getting interviews at most of the other programs I've been interested in is certainly a reason to pause. Up until know I seemed to get everything I had wanted, from big to small, major to minor. Granted my life has also had its fair share of bumps and jolts along the way, but for the most part life has been smooth and steady. It is only now, when figuring out the next (and quite possibly only) portion of my life, that I have been so horribly denied. And all signs point to further denial along my life path. Acceptance rates to graduate school in clinical psychology has always been stacked against me, numbering in the low single digits overall, from 3-5%. Getting an interview is an accomplishment by itself, meaning you've made it to the 10% mark of interest and people want to investigate further. But from there it's very much a lonely battle against the odds, praying luck is on your side in this next momentous part of life. Being accepted to graduate school for me means being able to continue the path I've forged through undergrad, continuing the pursuit of a Ph.D. in clinical psychology to some day down the life do some significant research into depression. But with doors rapidly closing in front of me and leaving me no future in that direction, I may have to put my life on hold for a couple years to reinforce my resume and bide my time until it's appropriate to apply for graduate school again, against likely higher and tougher competition. I suppose it's some testament to my luck and skill that I was able to obtain three interviews at all, two to quality California schools, but it's also a sign that I was denied even a chance at interviewing at numerous other, more minor, institutions.

So what now? What does this mean?

It means I've got to stop what I've always wanted to do, since the middle of high school, and try to find a way back on track. Without graduate school I cannot proceed as planned and I must forge ahead in another direction, hoping to redirect myself back onto the yellow brick road in the future. It means suspending any hope of making an early dent in research and getting a rapid start into things.

It also means that my dreams might just be that, a dream. That I, despite my levels of luck and intellect, aren't cut out for graduate school and doing research. That I might not, in the end, be able to accomplish anything significant with my life. To me, it is a wisp of potential, the potential that I am restricted to a life of falling just short of my life goal, that I will never be able to accomplish what I sought out to do a long time ago. To me, that is the ultimate in hopelessness, that I won't be able to make it even if I really want to, even if in the end that's all I truly seek in this world, to make an impact on it with the novel and sharp research I conduct. It might not be possible for me to do anything. So then what?

Do I continue what my heart truly seeks, to try and follow this path down research towards an ideal world of professorship and meaningful work, or do I abandon it and accept what in my own mind and standards and only applying to me, a world of mediocrity? Can I accept that I won't be able to follow my dreams and relinquish my grip on this goal, and just settle for something smaller, or perhaps something more superficial? Should I have become a teacher instead? I know in the end I wouldn't ever be satisfied because I feel that my intelligence wouldn't be fully challenged and utilized, that in the end I wouldn't be using every ounce of potential in my body for some greater good, and that I was holding myself back. But if I don't hold myself back, then I might just end up flying over the edge and missing completely what was likely never there. How am I to proceed in this sort of world of uncertainty? As the days continue on, I feel like I am losing more and more of my luck, that wonderous luck that has carried me so far and through so much. I am very tough and resilient, to an extent perhaps no one will ever truly understand, but it isn't only my tenacity that has gotten me through things. Without that added edge of lady luck, I may begin a downward spiral, towards a world where I am a shell of what I used to be, a hollow visage of what potential I used to contain.

What is to be done in this world then? It seems like every article I've read of late on success has trumpeted the merits of perseverance in the face of adversity, and to me that might be one sign that I just need to forge ahead through all these troubled times, difficulty that no one but myself has fully experienced (at least in this situation and style) and that I hope no one will ever have to. But part of me always wonders…am I just ignoring what might be the fundamental truth of the universe, and specifically my place in it, that I cannot do what I aim to? Or is my mind just playing tricks with me as usual, infusing my iron determination with the rust of doubt, eroding my strength insidiously? Perhaps there is no answer. And life is what we make of it.

But to know that there might be hope for me down the road, that I may just be able to fulfill my dreams and do something right for people is something that I, and everyone else on the face on this earth needs, that faint glimmer of hope that your life will be fulfilling and meaningful, and you will be able to touch, even if only briefly, what you dream of in the deepest of sleeps, where there are no inhibitions, where the inner sanctums of your heart are unlocked and finally speak to you.

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12:55 - Pretty accurate =p
the Helper
Test finished!
you chose CX - your Enneagram type is TWO.

"I must help others"

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's

How to Get Along with Me

  • Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.

  • Share fun times with me.

  • Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus
    on yours.

  • Let me know that I am important and special to you.

  • Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

    In Intimate Relationships

  • Reassure me that I am intersting to you.

  • Reassure me often that you love me.

  • Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Two

  • being able to relate easily to people and to make friends

  • knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better

  • being generous, caring, and warm

  • being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings

  • being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two

  • not being able to say no

  • having low self-esteem

  • feeling drained from overdoing for others

  • not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish

  • criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should

  • being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to

  • working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real

Twos as Children Often

  • are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism

  • try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding

  • are outwardly compliant

  • are popular or try to be popular with other children

  • act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention

  • are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy
    (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents

  • are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm
    and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)

  • are often playful with their children

  • wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?"

    "Have I caused irreparable damage?"

  • can become fiercely protective

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CX

Would you rather have chosen:

  • AX (SEVEN)
  • BX (NINE)
  • CY (SIX)
  • CZ (ONE)

  • My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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    You scored higher than 0% on ABC
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    You scored higher than 32% on XYZ
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    Tuesday - 2.14.06
    21:26 - Useless kicks...
    English Genius
    You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 93% Expert!
    You did so extremely well, even I
    can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon
    intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You
    have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly!
    Way to go!

    Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

    For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog:

    My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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    You scored higher than 68% on Beginner
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    You scored higher than 45% on Intermediate
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    You scored higher than 84% on Expert
    Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

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    Tuesday - 1.31.06
    1:51 - Being a psych nerd...
    - Article on anatomy of an altruist -
    - Article on biology of benevolence -

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    Friday - 1.6.06
    21:10 - A little reflection on 2005... =p
    What I did in 2005...

    {X} broke a promise (mostly forgetting to call?)
    {} made a new best friend (made a lot of good friendships though)
    {} fell in love (not even close... =p)
    {} fell out of love
    {X} did something you swore never to do (drink when i was down...oops...thankfully only happened a couple times)
    {X} stole (your heart...just KIDDING =p...*yoink*)
    {X} went behind your parents back (a little)
    {X} dissapointed someone close (probably)
    {X} hidden a secret (me, hide a secret??)
    {X} pretended to be happy (with some news i had to =p)
    { } got arrested (hahaha nope =p)
    { } kissed in the rain (nope...)
    { } slept under the stars (perhaps this year?)
    {} had a birthday that sucked (AWESOME party :D)
    {X} kept your new years resolutions (to be evaluated in a future entry)
    {X} forgot your new years resolutions (but still accomplished, for the most part =p)
    { } met someone who changed your life (changing my life is a bit much =p...i've met some awesome ppl, but i don't think they've changed my life, yet)
    { } met one of your idols (nope)
    { } changed your outlook on life (Hsuism is still the way to be)
    {X} sat home all day doing nothing (definitely...and enjoyed every oment of it =p)
    { } pretended to be sick (nah)
    {X} loved him/her knowing they didn't love you back (i actually don't kow if they love me back or not...i don't believe so though...or at least not definitively)
    {X} left the country (London 2k5 anyone? =p not to mention HK and the Philippines...)
    { } almost died (thankfully not)
    { } given up something important to you (not really?)
    { } lost something expensive (thankfully not?)
    { } learned something new about yourself (see V-day entry =p, as well as recent musings)
    { } tried something you normally wouldnt try and liked it. (granted, i might try it normally, but a ranch bagel or ranch baggette is pretty good)
    {X} made a change in your life (my attitude towards relationships)
    { } found out who your true friends were (hard to judge, always)
    {X} made a total fool of yourself (all day, every day =p)
    {X} met great people (2009 is chill, APDCYSYP was awesome)
    { } got addicted to facebook (was already an addict =p)
    { } thought he/she was the love of your life (not quite...)
    { } got in a car accident (thankfully not)
    { } fell in love with a teacher at school (not so much =p)
    { } broke a bone (THANKFULLY NOT =p)
    { } went to the ER or you were admitted to the hospital (not so much)
    {X} nearly died of laughter (crap i don't remember what i was rolling on the floor hugging my ribs about)
    {X} gave up on love (at least for now...=\)

    2005 Survey (stolen from a 2003/2004 survey of old)
    What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Had more than one relationship in a year =p
    Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Lol to be continued certainly...
    Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that i can remember
    Did anyone close to you die? The in peace.
    What countries did you visit? The UK, HK, Philippines
    What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? More lax skills, the new unis and gloves i ordered for the team, a cuddle buddy, a good grad school to go to =p
    What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 19th/20th, 2005...the disappointment that was The Game, and the aftermath...
    What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting an ethnic counselorship :D
    What was your biggest failure? There's always way too many to name..Perhaps the disappointing relationships?
    Did you suffer illness or injury? No injury i think, probably illness
    What was the best thing you bought? The new Debeer Torque...such a good lax head :D
    Where did most of your money go? Lol friends, food, NYC and work clothes
    What did you get really, really, really excited about? Finding summer league lax, being an EC, and winning the CASA Family Cup for the 2nd year in a row (out of 2 years ;p)
    What song will always remind you of 2005? Hahahah Dragostea Din Tea by O-Zone
    Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Happier, for the most part, i think
    Older or wiser? Both? Lol definitely older, but i think i've grown a little wiser about myself these past few months
    Thinner or fatter? Lol neither...i never seem to gain weight =p
    Richer or poorer? A little poorer from spending so much
    What do you wish you'd done more of? Hang out with friends, focus on school, play lax, have a life
    What do you wish you'd done less of? Sleeping through class =p, being less than amazing in relationships
    How will you be spending Christmas? This next year? Or last year? This year i was coming back from Cali and then went out to watch producers with HS year, hopefully with the fam enjoying life again
    Did you fall in love in 2005? Nope.
    How many one-night stands? Lol none again =p
    What was your favorite TV program? Family Guy
    Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nah, no hating for me =p
    What was the best book you read? The rest of the Harry Potter serise, or Shadow of the Giant (OSC's Ender's Game series)
    What was your greatest musical discovery? Lol nothing that i can think of
    What did you want and get? ECship, IRT, a summer lax league, relationships
    What did you want and not get? More lax, a cuddle buddy
    What was your favorite film of this year? Crash, Mr and Mrs Smith, or Love Actually (yes i know i put it last year but i still love it so shut up =p)?
    that I saw for the first time this year? Crash and Mr and Mrs Smith
    What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Lol drunken party at Samurai which was heaps of fun, then chillin at Flo's room. I turned a ripe ole 21 *GASP*
    What was one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Play heaps more lax and kick arse in all of it, done very well at school, see more friends more often
    How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Work-dressy clothes, since i was in the clinic from this summer and on
    What kept you sane? My friends and lax and music :D
    Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Lol Keira Knightly or Kate Beckinsale again. Eva Longoria is beautiful too =p.
    What political issue stirred you the most? Bush's entire reign this year =p
    Who did you miss? At different points of time: my HS friends, my Yalie friends, my NAAPIMHA crew, my fam.
    Who was the best new person you met? 09 is awesome, can't really choose =p
    Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Don't let friends get into relationships with other friends in your group if they can't be cool about breaking up =p
    Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "I'm trying to let you know, i'm better off on my own..."

    current mood: calm

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    Wednesday - 1.4.06
    That was the craziest game ever.

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    Wednesday - 12.28.05
    Seeing an ex from what seems like another life time is always interesting.
    I definitely will expound on this later...but...tonight was...interesting, and kinda hard.
    Tomorrow will be much more interesting, i suspect. On a different note. Unfortunately.
    On a random note, i've definitely been partying a little too much, drinking both last night and tonight a fair amount. *shrugs helplessly* All to be updated upon though. Hope break is going well for y'all. Be well and take care.

    current mood: okay

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    Sunday - 12.25.05
    Make my wish come true...
    All i want for


    And you, and you, and you...and you.

    Happy holidays all. =p

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    Wednesday - 12.14.05
    22:53 - Random quotes... =p
    LaCrosSe FiEnD (10:45:05 PM): lol i want the most kids out of the TAS/CASA fams
    LaCrosSe FiEnD (10:45:10 PM): and now i want the most kids out of the ECs
    LaCrosSe FiEnD (10:45:11 PM): lol
    LaCrosSe FiEnD (10:45:17 PM): maybe this is a trend
    LaCrosSe FiEnD (10:45:24 PM): lol i'd feel bad for my wife...
    LaCrosSe FiEnD (10:45:27 PM): hahahaha
    alislyn826 (10:45:28 PM): OMG
    LaCrosSe FiEnD (10:45:32 PM): hahahahahaha
    alislyn826 (10:45:33 PM): YOUR WIFE HAS BETTER BE A RABBIT

    alislyn826 (10:46:55 PM): i'm gonna have lotsa kids :-)
    alislyn826 (10:47:14 PM): other ppl's kids
    alislyn826 (10:47:14 PM): haha

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    Sunday - 12.4.05
    2:34 - Prompted and answered...
    Auto response from (2:30:55 AM): "as for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. you don't know how lucky you are not to have one. hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

    LaCrosSe FiEnD (2:30:54 AM): may i offer the comment that the reason hearts are so precious is partly because they are breakable, and that a broken heart shows us how alive we are? a broken heart gives us feelings stronger than most tend to experience, keeps us feeling alive (even if empty), a pain that stings of something sweet? it is one of the true signs that we can love, and perhaps more importantly, need love.

    Random inspiration. Life has been shruggable of late. *shrugs helplessly to prove his point*

    current mood: contemplative

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    Friday - 9.9.05
    The eternal struggle between striving to be a paragon of virtue and giving in to basic human instinct and nature is a war in which no man is a victor.

    Also, pinky swears are (and deservedly should be) amongst the most valued, honored, and respected agreements/bonds one can forge. It carries an inherent trust from childhood days of naivety, before kids knew that not everyone was friendly, that life wasn't always (or perhaps ever) perfect, and that life isn't like the movies or a fairy tale in progress. I suspect many would give up a great deal to relive those times of bliss and innocence.

    current mood: melancholy

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    Saturday - 8.20.05
    5:49 - Random thoughts...should i do an update? Hrmmm...
    Moved into my room in Welch. Visit me this year, Welch A22!

    It's very interesting moving back into a room each fall. Aside from the sheer logistics of box retrieval (which is a bit insane in and of itself), I find myself looking through the things I ended up packing from the end of last year and figuring out why I packed them. Some of the items I can trace back to the very beginning of freshman year, when I arrived on campus a bit unsure of what direction my life would take at that point. The variety of items spans from mundane FOOT equipment i'm oddly fond of to notes, letters, and fuzzies from when I left for college. All of it makes me feel old, thinking that those times were so long ago, so far removed from where I am now. Not that I don't necessarily still greatly cherish them (because on the whole I do, even the crazy bits), but they were from a time long past and a somewhat different person. The depth and variety of experiences I've shared over the course of my time in college still boggle my mind. I still can't believe at least half of what I've been a part of, it seems like I've been all over the place, experiencing everything. And yet here I am now at perhaps the most significant crossroads of my entire life.

    This year is very important in a number of respects, some less apparent than others. At the forefront are my duties and obligations, including taking care of freshmen and getting my academics in order. Also among these duties I'm starting the process of rebuilding/revitalizing the somewhat defunct club lacrosse program here. And further back, yet still oh so very apparent is the need to determine my path down life. This year will determine what I do for the next 10 years at least, whether I decide to stick to solely a Ph.D. and hope it can get me everything I want and that I'll still be successful with it, or whether I take the next few years to prepare and apply for an MD/PhD program, or whether I should take advantage of the opportunities available and attend a good clinical psych grad school and follow up with an MD in a foreign country...The sheer enormity of this decision intimidates me and causes me to pause, for once, and really consider what I'm doing. It's made me more aware of how I've spent my time at school and more conscious of the fact that I'm very much on my way in life and need to determine a course or else I'll go nowhere. It used to be so simple. But as always, with more knowledge comes more questions. And so a PhD doesn't readily satisfy me anymore.

    Part of me wishes I were back in the days of high school so that I could enjoy my time leisurely while part of me doesn't want to be anywhere but here. Enjoy it while you can kids. Somehow time has a knack for sneaking up on you and surprising you with a nice you-must-decide-your-future-or-you-shall-lose-out-on-the-precious-treasure-of-time-punch-to-the-face. =p Hope life is going well with all. Sorry for rambling so much and being so quasi-philosophical. Just getting old I suppose =p.

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    Friday - 5.20.05
    17:29 - For random entertainment value...
    What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
    Favourite Colour
    Your Love icon is...
    Your Sad Icon is...
    Your Happy Icon is...
    Your Angry Icon is...
    Your Food Icon is...
    Your Animal Icon is...
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    Quiz created with MemeGen!

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    Tuesday - 5.3.05
    0:06 - Procrastination to the max... =p
    You scored as Utilitarianism. Your life is guided by the principles of Utilitarianism: You seek the greatest good for the greatest number.

    “The said truth is that it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong.”

    --Jeremy Bentham

    “Whenever the general disposition of the people is such, that each individual regards those only of his interests which are selfish, and does not dwell on, or concern himself for, his share of the general interest, in such a state of things, good government is impossible.”

    --John Stuart Mill

    More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...






    Justice (Fairness)






    Divine Command




    Strong Egoism




    What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
    created with

    Life has been ridiculous of late. I'll try to get a good update when i get the chance. And many pictures too. =p

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    Thursday - 4.7.05
    0:39 - Interesting... =p
    Your dating personality profile:

    Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
    Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
    Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates.
    Your date match profile:

    Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
    Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
    Sensual - You aren't looking for someone who is sexually repressed. You want someone who is adventurous under the covers.
    Your Top Ten Traits

    1. Liberal
    2. Big-Hearted
    3. Outgoing
    4. Practical
    5. Sensual
    6. Adventurous
    7. Athletic
    8. Wealthy/Ambitious
    9. Romantic
    10. Traditional
    Your Top Ten Match Traits

    1. Big-Hearted
    2. Practical
    3. Sensual
    4. Athletic
    5. Conservative
    6. Outgoing
    7. Traditional
    8. Adventurous
    9. Romantic
    10. Funny

    Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

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    Sunday - 2.13.05
    5:18 - Mad Updateage (and resolutions! =p)

    Hey hey y'all, what's up? I figure that since i have a whole shitload of time to kill before i can get a hold of my friend, i'd update y'all on it has been a while after all. =p
    At the moment right now, while i type this, i'm in Grand Central Station, waiting for my friend Kelly to give me a call and meet up with me so we can head back up together waiting for her to get finished with her shopping so i can meet up with her and the fam and grab an early dinner with them and then head back to Yale alone and just not do anything because i don't have a date to the Winter Ball anymore and i don't really know what else i want to do. Wonderful. =p Lol it seems like my luck with the ladies never runs out.

    Anyways. Life of late has been a bit mediocre and rather disappointing. School has been pretty crappy recently as my two bio classes, Biological Mechanisms of Reaction to Injury (basically Pathology) and Reproductive Biology have been kicking my arse a lot. Both tests were pretty hardcore and ugly, so i dunno about how things are gonna work. i most definitely need to buckle down on these two classes else I get craptastically horrific grades. Repro i thought i did a lot better on, but apparently my grader thought otherwise...i might try arguing a few points but i'm not so sure there's much i really feel like arguing about. Rxn to Injury was an interesting test and easily could go either way depending on how the grader sees fit to interpret my hopefully things will go on my side for once. Chinese is a pain in the arse as usua with ridiculous amounts of work and not enough interesting fun, and well political psych is my Cred/D class that i might take for a grade if i do well on the midterm. We'll see.

    My extracurricular life of late has been kicking up, with some activeness in all three ethnic clubs i'm involved in (though not on board for any anymore, thankfully). The Fellowship is finally progressing to a significant level as i'm getting more and more involved in things. Just this last Friday i got to be a control subject in an experiment using Transcranial Magnetic Stimultion to measure Cortical Silent Periods and whatnot...translated roughly to English, they use a big wand like magnet to stimulate parts of my brain so that my hand twitches while i hold a pressure gauge and see how long i can't squeeze the gauge for when my hand twitches. Pretty awesome shit, and i'm extremely eager to be a part of the experimentation now. Hopefully some good will come out of this too and i can get my name on the paper. Hopefully. I'm going through the stages of applying for ethnic counselor right now too, as I've been talking to people and getting some input on things. Also, I have my interview this Sunday so it'll be very interesting to see how it all goes. I feel that this is exactly the type of thing i'm suited for, and i absolutely love helping out others and really want this opportunity to be a resource for the incoming frosh, so I hope that I get would be so unbelieveably awesome. Along those lines of drama, i think that the Dean associated with the Fellowship is trying to hinder my application process, as he has his reservations about doing both. But seriously, it's complete bullshit as I have done so many things in prep for this, and for the eventuality of doing both the Fellowship and an ethnic counselorship that it's total bullshit he's trying to stop me. I've taken a ridiuclous amount of class every semester for a while all so that senior year I could take the mimimum credit requirement both semesters (3 credits/3 classes) and graduate perfectly fine. He doesn't understand how much i want this. So it's completely frustarting and complete bullshit that he's trying to stop me. Fuck that. Gahr.

    Lax is a real joke at the moment, I haven't heard anything from our "captain" in forever. He actually hasn't even really sent out an email this year at all, except for one in the beginning of the year asking if we had our gear and that we might practice. Uh bullshit apparently. So i think i need to start getting on his case about things lest we don't have a schedule come spring and end up playing even less games than last year (3 =p). And that would be total bullshit. I really wanna play mitchell though again, and hopefully tear them apart this time from the attack/midfield instad of stuff them in close as the goalie. No word yet on if we have a goalie but i think we do with this frosh class so i should be clear to pursue what i really want to play. I haven't been able to get to the gym very much lately at all due to weather, illness, and busyness so it's been rather sad. I really really need to get back into shape again. On the other hand, i have been lifting somewhat regularly in my room at night so i've been trying to get some more bulk on and hoepfully come into the season with some good muscle. Sadness. =p

    This semester overall has had its goods and its bads but so far it's been pretty quality. It's weird being 21 now as I've been partying it up somewhat. =p It feels odd and i'm kinda not a fan since this isn't necessarily a good thing for me, but at the same time i by no means am going overboard with it all.  So it's all good. I've discovered the wonders of pepsid AC in reducing "Asian Flush" so it's been very helpful in me going out and feeling comfortable. =p Other than that i really do feel oldness creeping into my bones. Sometimes i ache and feel sore and i really shouldn't. It's kinda bloody lame actually.

    In other news I'm going to London again this Spring Break, but this time with a bigger crew (and different group too =p). I'll be heading out with James, Kawing, Liang, Flo, and Christine so by all means it should be an awesome trip. I'm really looking forward to it even though it's a chunk of change out of the pocket. the price was rather reasonable though so i guess not as much of a complaint out of me. Wotevs i guess. I guess we'll have to see how the Spring Break trip goes but i suspect that it'll be a little disappointing as usual. It seems as if my life has been kinda off lately, nothing close to perfect, close to standards. All disappointment and failure. Alright, sincei've held it off for so long i think i'm gonna make some resolutions. Not quite for the new year, but it works.

    2005 New Years (almost) Resolutions
    1. Kick arse in school.
    I've been slacking of late, and i really need to get back on track. I don't care that it's freakin 2 bio courses, chinese, and psych. Most especially in the bio courses i need to do well so i will have to buckle down like mad.

    2. Stop falling asleep in class. I really really need to stop this horrible habit. It's ruining my study abilities. I need to be on top of the ball here. Hopefully i can improve. It seems to vary but repro bio  is the worst class for me and i'm rarely awake for the entire thing. So let's hope i can change myself.

    3.  Get major amounts of reseach done. This includes both for the fellowship and for my senior project. I want to get in heaps of time at the lab and at the clinic doing work and research so that i gain more experience. I want to really make significant progress on my fellowship work and get my senior project line up and most of the research done. Summer will be insane as i think i'm gonna try to 9-5 it at the lab hopefully running tests and getting work done. We'll see.

    4. Get back into shape for lax. That means at least run 3x a week and lift 2x a week for the rest of the semester. I really wanna get back into shape and be able to dominate the fields and kick some major arse. So i definitely need to go running more and get back my fitness. And well lifting is key too so that hopefully i can develop the muscle i lost during the summer accident and gain some on top of that. Plus i wanna go tossing somewhat regularly, and i will definitely try to be out there as much as possible once the weather gets good enough outside. It's junior year so i really wanna buckle down and do some good for the team.

    5. Score an average of 2 points per lax game. It may not seem like much but considering that i haven't played in forever, especially on the offensive side of the ball, it's a pretty ambitious goal. Hopefully i can break the 3ppg goal, but 2 seems more reasonable and attainable. I can't expect to be Mike Powell as soon as i step out onto the field.

    6. Maintain significant involvement with the groups i'm in. Even though i'm not on board, i still want to make good contributions back to the clubs i'm involved with. CASA, ViSA and TAS all get my support and help. Hopefully with X i'll be able to set up more fun and enriching events. And we'll see how my other groups do. But i wanna keep into the thick of things. It's so easy as a 2nd semester junior (and eventually a senior... =\ ) to stay involved with all the clubs you used to be in, so i wanna stick with it.

    7. Cook well and for others. This summer, since i'll be staying in New Haven, i wanna get to being a good cook. So regular practice (trying not to eat out except for maybe once a week?) is a must. Then hopefully once i hone my skills and get enough good recipes down, i can cook for my friends. Lol let's hope that the whole cooking skills thing is genetic. =p

    8. Follow Hsuism like it's my JOB. So definite watching out for others, being supportive, doing every little bit i can to make the lives of ppl around me better and happier. Even if i don't get Ethnic Counselor, i'm still going to follow my life philosophy with all my heart and do my best. I want to make things better for others. i want ppl to be happy. I want to bring them relief as an ear to talk to, a voice to listen to, and a shoulder to cry on.

    9. Get into a relationship and stick to my oath. I'm almost out of college. I'm getting old. I really need to take advantage of things and try to get into one freakin relationship. Seriously, this is so annoying and disheartening. But wotevs. I will hopefully find a wonderful, fun girl who i can have a quality relationship with. And follow my oath to the code i've established to the letter. The code being the Nice Guys Oath i've made, to treat whoever i get into a relationship with like a complete princess and make sure that every moment of time with me is wonderful, amazing, and fun, just like (hopefully) the girl i'm with. Hopefully. This is all contingent on me getting into a relationship of course. But s'all good.

    And of course, the quasi-resolution list is still here cause it seems like i never make any headway in that area. Clearly not so good. =p

  • Stop overanalyzing things. I really need to stop this. It hurts so much more than helps.  
  • Stop worrying so bloody much about finding a girl. Always on my mind, yet never any progress...
  • Stop staying up so late every night. I gotta stop staying up till 4 or 5 almost every morning. Like now. =p
  • Get more muscles for lax. Better arm muscles as well as a strong core and legs. Hopefully i want to get up to 140, 150...i guess i got to up my protein intake and really lift like a beast. =p
  • Find a girl... =(. No comment necessary.
  • Stop disenchanting all the girls I meet. Always, for one reason or another, it doesn't work out. Mostly cause of me. Actually, all because of me. I really need to stop this.

  • current mood: blah

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